so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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