I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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