Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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