how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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