so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
