Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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