Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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