You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I need moral support for this bender
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
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