Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
