We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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