I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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