I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
