i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
