I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
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