we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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