Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
