You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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