conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
