Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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