the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
