I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
