This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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