I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
