So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I will pee on everything he values.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
