he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
The air was thick with penises
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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