Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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