I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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