I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
