hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
