I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
