I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
