I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
