never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
