i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
