Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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