he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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