Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
