Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
