Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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