Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
