Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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