I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
