he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
