Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
