you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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