So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
