Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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