im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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