I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
