Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
