New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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