i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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