chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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