That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
This house was built for laser tag.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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