Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I think people are normalizing furries
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
