I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Randomize
