he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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